The PotheadFerret Show
by Lawliet Holmes
Summary: What is in store for the Fandom's favorite pairing of Messrs Malfoy and Potter when Voldemort is finally eradicated? Well, this apparently. Presenting the Pothead-Ferret Show, where the two heart-throbs intend to clear up some of the... inaccuracies found withing JK Rowling's magnum opus. Warnings for strong language, crude sex references and lots of silly.


(Author's Note: Feel Free to suggest people to have on in the future, and ask any questions of the characters you want. I shall endavour to amuse you with the answers)

Narrator: Witches and Gentlewizards, welcome to the first ever episode of 'The Pot-head Ferret Show!' Please welcome your hosts… Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!

(both walk on to Britain's got talent music)

Draco (in a very camp voice): Hello witches and wizards everywhere, and welcome to the Pot-Head Ferret Show! This is the show where we bring in famous characters from JK Rowling's only-slightly-exaggerated hit book series. Although why all the titles started with 'Harry Potter' is beyond me.

Harry: As you well know, I appeared in the title because I was a nice, sexy lovable, heroic Gryffindor who could do no wrong, while _you_ were an arrogant, bigoted f*ckwit whose only friends were your pet gorillas Crap and Boil.

Draco: I object to that!

Harry: I object to your objecting!

Narrator: ENOUGH!

Draco: That was a big shout. I think you may have gotten the CAPS LOCK key stuck.

Narrator: PLEASE STOP BICKERING SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE SHOW! OH F*CK, YOU'RE RIGHT.

Harry: I'm sorry, the narrator is experiencing some technical difficulties. But we don't really need him, so let's get on with the show.

Draco: This being the first episode, we don't actually have a celebrity guest with us today, except for the goody-goody-boy-who-sodding-lived, so we have had to come to terms with the fact that the both of us count as key characters, and as such are required by law to answer any questions you might have. So by all means fire away.

Q for Harry: How did you feel when you finally killed Voldemort? – Colin Creevy

A: Well to be fair, JK Rowling exaggerated that a bit. I didn't kill Voldemort; he killed himself with a crappy spell. None of this power-the-dark-lord-knows-not bullshit.

Q for Harry: Did you ever have sex at Hogwarts, and if so, who with? – Annoying Fangirl

A: No. I never… (Draco: Bullshit! Harry Potter was the second biggest slut in the whole school!) No I wasn't! (Draco: Admit it, or I reveal all!) FINE! I SLEPT AROUND QUITE A… OH F*CK, THE SODDING KEY GOT STUCK! (Draco: Well, with all the hormonal emo shouting he did in the last three books, it had to happen some time) ARGH!

(The sound of a hammer is heard)

Oh, thank god for that. Thanks Filch! (Filch: Don't mention it.) Okay, so I slept around a bit. It would take too long to name all the people I slept with, so I won't reply.

Q for Harry: What's your real opinion on Professor Snape? – Anonymous

A: Slimy, creepy, perverted grease-ball who fancied my mum. He's a bigoted, biased, bitchy, big headed, bulbous bastard! (Draco Interjects: Brilliant alliteration, Potter.) Thank you, but I wasn't finished. He's a…

Draco: Okay, now I've muted Potty over there, does anybody have any questions for me?

Q for Draco: Why are you such a dickhead? – Seamus Finnigan.

A: How dare you insinuate such a thing? I am aware that I used to be less than nice to people, but I've changed now! I've come to terms with my sexuality, I've healed old wounds… hell, I even apologised to Hermione Granger! I WENT OUT WITH NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM FOR F*CK'S SAKE! Wait, I wasn't supposed to say that.

Q for Draco: Why is your hair so gay? – Anonymous

A: Hmm, maybe because I _am_ so gay. Although in objection, if you think _my_ hair is gay, you obviously haven't seen my dad. He looks like a cross between Legolas and Britney Spears for f*ck's sake!

Q for Draco: Can you turn me up now? – Harry Potter

A: Wait, how did you manage to… oh yes, you've still got Dumbledore's f*cking Army helping you out. If I do will you promise to behave? (Harry: Yes) And will you promise not to get stuck in CAPS again? (Harry: Yes) And will you promise to give me a blowjob? (Harry: What? F*ck no!) Well, it was worth a try.

Q for Harry: Who is the sexiest Professor at Hogwarts? – Minerva McGonagall

A: Professor Trelawney. No doubt about it. (Draco: What? Seriously? Well, whatever floats your boat. Personally, I preferred Gilderoy Lockharte, but I guess that's just me) Yes, that's definitely just you.

Q for Harry: Do you want to come round my place and get frisky? – Sybil Trelawney

A: F*ck yes! Just as soon as the show is over. (Draco: Kill me now.)

Q for Draco: What do you think of Tom Felton? – Tom Felton

A: Who the f*ck is Tom Felton? (Harry: He's the guy who played you in those ridiculous films. Surely you'd know that from the credits?) Well I was too busy rewatching the scenes with me in it, so I didn't know that. But oh my f*cking god he is FIT! He made me sound like a posh bastard, and he made me WAY too masculine, but I wasn't really listening to the words. John Fenton… (Harry: Tom Felton) Uh… right. Tom Felton is one of the fittest people in the film industry. I love him. I want his adopted babies. I want to f*ck him in every orifice! I want to bend him over Snape's desk and whip him with a riding crop until he begs for mercy! I want to f*ck him so hard his eyeballs pop out. I want to…

Harry: Yeah, that's nice. Any more questions?

Q for Harry: What do you think of Tom Felton? – Tom Felton

A: Faggot. He is a complete and utter faggot. There is no way on earth that there could be an actor worse than Tom Felton. Daniel Radcliffe aside, possibly. (Draco: NO! TAKE THAT BACK YOU SCARFACED LITTLE BASTARD! JOHN FENTON IS AMAZING! HE'S BRILLIANT! HE'S SEXY! HE'S…) Yeah, how do you like being muted yourself, you tw*tty little ferret?

Anyway, he's a complete retard for agreeing to play the amazing bouncing ferret here, and that is the end of that.

Q for Harry: AVADA KEDAVRA! – Lucius Malfoy

A: Yeah, just writing the curse won't do it, Malfoy Senior. And no, your son is not coming off mute.

Q for Harry: CRUCIO! – Lucius Malfoy

A: Yeah, about that… I already said writing won't work.

Q for Harry: AVADA KEDAVRA! – Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Narcissa Malfoy, Fenrir Greyback

A: Yeah, no matter how many of you curse me, it only works if you're actually here. So I'd say I'm pretty safe. But, as you're so persistent… (un-mutes Draco)

Draco: Okay, enough of the muting thing. You know, I really think we're going to have to get a proper sound desk for this thing.

Harry: I'd have to agree with you on that one.

(The sound of a door opening)

Harry: Oh shit… When I said that, I didn't mean actually (Lucius: AVADA KEDAVRA!) (Bellatrix: AVADA KEDAVRA!) (Narcissa: CRUCIO!) (Fenrir: CRUCIO!) Oh fucking… DEFLECTO! DEFLECTO! STUPEFY! EXPLELLIARAMUS! DEFLECTO!

Draco: It would seem like Potter is otherwise occupied, so it's up to me to close the show. It's been a… uh… great night, and tune in next time, when we have our first special guest; the one and the only Severus Snape! Yes, I know he's supposed to be dead. You'll find out next time. So, you've been watching the Pot-head Ferret show with your hosts, Draco Malfoy…

Harry: And… f*ck, DEFLECTO! STUPEFY! And Harry Potter! EXPELLIARAMUS!

Draco: Thank you, and goodnight.


End file.
